Something officially happened this week. I got divorced. In a way it’s no big deal, just a formality. We have been separated for three years. Three years since I realised I would die if I stayed with him, so I walked out, got a job, bought my own house, never looked back.
So in a way it should be a celebration. Finally closing the door on that miserable part of my life. But it’s not something I want to celebrate. It still makes me sad. Because a marriage is a thing of hope, of trust, of promises for the future. It was the foundation on which to build our children’s childhood. And we failed. I can’t say I regret it (that’s perhaps the only bit where this song and I are not aligned). I had to leave because he was destroying me. But it’s not something I ever thought would happen or that I would want. Nobody in my family got divorced and nobody in my circle of friends either. Divorce happens to other people.
Until it happens to you.
And I do feel like I will need to apologise to my kids for it for the rest of my life, something this song understands. The innocence of your children, the perfect life you want for them, and then the chaos and disappointment of the adult world comes crashing in and you brought it in yourself.
Listening to this song, to its tender regret and disappointment delivered by that magnificent voice, had me absolutely bawling and the tears streaming down my cheek.
Dolly Parton, what a legend.
Our little boy is four years old and quite a little man
So we spell out the words we don’t want him to understand
Like T-O-Y or maybe S-U-R-P-R-I-S-E
But the words we’re hiding from him now
Tear the heart right out of me.
Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E becomes final today
Me and little J-O-E will be goin’ away
I love you both and it will be pure H-E double L for me
Oh, I wish that we could stop this D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
Watch him smile, he thinks it Christmas
Or his 5th Birthday
And he thinks C-U-S-T-O-D-Y spells fun or play
I spell out all the hurtin’ words
And I turn my head when I speak
‘Cause I can’t spell away this hurt
That’s drippin’ down my cheek.
Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E becomes final today
Me and little J-O-E will be goin’ away
I love you both and it will be pure H-E double L for me
Oh, I wish that we could stop this D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
Abigail's Library 