Joni Mitchell – Carey

I stumbled across an article online about the man who inspired Joni Mitchell’s song ‘Carey’. I haven’t heard that song in years but oh how I used to love it! It’s so exotic and carefree and just a fabulous tune.

So of course I had to listen to it again. And it is just as wonderful and fresh as ever.

Provided to YouTube by Rhino Carey · Joni Mitchell Blue ℗ 1971 Warner Records Inc. Unknown: Henry Lewy Guitar, Vocals: Joni Mitchell Producer: Joni Mitchell Drums: Russ Kunkel Guitar: Stephen Stills Bass Guitar: Stephen Stills Writer: Joni Mitchell

The wind is in from Africa
Last night I couldn’t sleep
Oh, you know it sure is hard to leave here Carey
But it’s really not my home
My fingernails are filthy, I got beach tar on my feet
And I miss my clean white linen and my fancy French cologne

Oh Carey get out your cane
And I’ll put on some silver
Oh you’re a mean old Daddy
But I like you fine

Come on down to the Mermaid Café and I will
Buy you a bottle of wine
And we’ll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down
Let’s have a round for these freaks and these soldiers
A round for these friends of mine
Let’s have another round for the bright red devil
Who keeps me in this tourist town

Come on Carey get out your cane
I’ll put on some silver
Oh you’re a mean old Daddy
But I like you

Maybe I’ll go to Amsterdam
Maybe I’ll go to Rome
And rent me a grand piano
And put some flowers ’round my room
But let’s not talk about fare-thee-wells now
The night is a starry dome
And they’re playin’ that scratchy rock and roll
Beneath the Matala Moon

Come on Carey get out your cane
I’ll put on some silver
We’ll go to the Mermaid Café
Have fun tonight

The wind is in from Africa
Last night I couldn’t sleep
Oh you know it sure is hard to leave here
But it’s really not my home

Maybe it’s been too long a time
Since I was scramblin’ down in the street
Now they got me used to that clean white linen
And that fancy French cologne

Oh Carey get out your cane
I’ll put on my finest silver
We’ll go to the Mermaid Café
Have fun tonight
I said, Oh, you’re a mean old Daddy but I like you
But you’re out of sight

© January 18, 1971; Siquomb Pub Corp

https://jonimitchell.com/music/song.cfm?id=88#:~:text=by%20Joni%20Mitchell.%20The%20wind%20is%20in%20from,your%20cane.%20And%20I%27ll%20put%20on%20some%20silver.

End of year double bill: Frank Turner – Get Better & Green Day – Still Breathing

I feel I should be writing loads and loads about the old year and the new one. But I have so much to say that I can’t say anything at all.

So here are two songs that capture my current mood, perhaps best summed up as a defiant, almost joyous “bloody hell, I’m still here, and I’m going to keep at it, you just see.”

Song

Get Better

Artist

Frank Turner

Album

Get Better

Licensed to YouTube by

UMG (on behalf of Polydor Records); ARESA, BMG Rights Management (US), LLC, LatinAutorPerf, Abramus Digital, LatinAutor – PeerMusic, CMRRA, MINT_BMG, ASCAP, and 4 Music Rights Societies

I won’t post the lyrics as they’re in the video.

WMG (on behalf of Reprise); UMPI, LatinAutorPerf, CMRRA, UNIAO BRASILEIRA DE EDITORAS DE MUSICA – UBEM, UMPG Publishing, SOLAR Music Rights Management, PEDL, LatinAutor – Warner Chappell, LatinAutor – SonyATV, Warner Chappell, Sony ATV Publishing, LatinAutor – UMPG, ASCAP, BMI – Broadcast Music Inc., and 10 Music Rights Societies

I’m like a child looking off on the horizon I’m like an ambulance that’s turning on the sirens Oh, I’m still alive I’m like a soldier coming home for the first time I dodged a bullet, and I walked across a landmine Oh, I’m still alive Am I bleeding? Am I bleeding from the storm? Just shine a light into the wreckage, so far away, away ‘Cause I’m still breathing ‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own My head’s above the rain and roses Making my way away ‘Cause I’m still breathing ‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own My head’s above the rain and roses Making my way away My way to you I’m like a junkie tying off for the last time I’m like a loser that’s betting on his last dime Oh, I’m still alive I’m like a son that was raised without a father I’m like a mother barely keeping it together Oh, I’m still alive Am I bleeding? Am I bleeding from the storm? Just shine a light into the wreckage, so far away, away ‘Cause I’m still breathing ‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own My head’s above the rain and roses Making my way away ‘Cause I’m still breathing ‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own My head’s above the rain and roses Making my way away, away As I walked out on the ledge Are you scared to death to live? I’ve been running all my life Just to find a home that’s for the restless And the truth that’s in the message Making my way away, away ‘Cause I’m still breathing ‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own My head’s above the rain and roses Making my way away ‘Cause I’m still breathing ‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own My head’s above the rain and roses Making my way away ‘Cause I’m still breathing ‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own My head’s above the rain and roses Making my way away My way to you

Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


A really evocative and poetic telling of the lives of one black family in 1930s America. I particularly loved the resilience and independence running through so many of the characters, and the way the lens moves through each of them, telling each backstory in turn.

The only bit I didn’t fully gel with was the ‘threshing floor’, which I found confusing and didn’t ‘get’. I know that’s because religious conversion is an alien thing to me personally, but I felt that the rest of the book bridged that gap and made me understand it from the characters’ points of view, whereas this last bit just spiralled away from my understanding and empathy.

The rest of the book is amazing though, and I would definitely recommend it.



View all my reviews

Tori Amos -What Child, Nowell

If you’re looking for Christmas music that isn’t annoying as hell, then I recommend Tori Amos’s album, Midwinter Graces.

I despise wrapping presents and writing cards. I like buying them, I love giving them, it’s just the in between that depresses me. But I now have a tradition which is to play this album while I do it. Makes it bearable.

Here is just one song from it but really, you need to hear the whole thing.

Provided to YouTube by Universal Music Group What Child, Nowell · Tori Amos Midwinter Graces ℗ 2009 Universal Republic Records, a division of UMG Recordings, Inc. Released on: 2009-01-01 Producer: Tori Amos Studio Personnel, Recording Engineer, Mixer: Mark Hawley Studio Personnel, Recording Engineer, Mixer: Marcel Van Limbeek Composer Lyricist: American Folk Song Arranger, Work Arranger: Tori Amos

Florence and the Machine -Sky Full of Song

This is my favourite Florence song, and it’s one that has always resonated with me. I do go through periods of energy and enthusiasm, often to cover up a void, but mostly actually because it’s fun, but I wear myself out. I can feel myself teetering on the brink of a breakdown, ready to collapse from exhaustion, but then I need someone to pull me back, give me a nice herbal tea and tuck me into a cosy bed so I can recover. I am incapable of doing it myself so I blaze onwards until something disastrous happens that totally floors me.

I don’t know whether this is what the song means or is getting at but I always read it that way.

And it’s beautiful, whatever your interpretation.

Sky Full of Song Directed by AG Rojas Available here: https://FlorenceMachine.lnk.to/SkyFul… Join Florence online: https://www.facebook.com/florenceandt…http://www.twitter.com/flo_tweethttp://www.instagram.com/Florence Follow Florence on Spotify: http://po.st/FlorenceSpotify Sign up for updates: http://www.florenceandthemachine.nethttp://vevo.ly/BaDkwI

Music in this video

Learn more

Sky Full Of Song

Licensed to YouTube by

UMG (on behalf of EMI); UNIAO BRASILEIRA DE EDITORAS DE MUSICA – UBEM, UMPI, LatinAutor – UMPG, CMRRA, UMPG Publishing, BMI – Broadcast Music Inc., ASCAP, LatinAutorPerf, Abramus Digital, and 13 Music Rights SocietiesSHOW LESS

[Verse 1]
How deeply are you sleeping or are you still awake?
A good friend told me you’ve been staying out so late
Be careful, oh, my darling, oh, be careful what it takes
From what I’ve seen so far, the good ones always seem to break
And I was screaming at my father and you were screaming at me
And I can feel your anger from way across the sea
And I was kissing strangers, I was causing such a scene
Oh, the heart it hides such unimaginable things

[Pre-Chorus]
Grab me by my ankles, I’ve been flying for too long
I couldn’t hide from the thunder in a sky full of song
And I want you so badly, but you could be anyone
I couldn’t hide from the thunder in a sky full of song

[Chorus]
Hold me down, I’m so tired now
Aim your arrow at the sky
Take me down, I’m too tired now
Leave me where I lie

[Verse 2]
And I can tell that I’m in trouble when that music starts to play
In a city without seasons, it keeps raining in LA
I feel like I’m about to fall, the room begins to sway
And I can hear the sirens but I cannot walk away

[Pre-Chorus]
Grab me by my ankles, I’ve been flying for too long
I couldn’t hide from the thunder in a sky full of song
And I want you so badly, but you could be anyone
I couldn’t hide from the thunder in a sky full of song

[Chorus]
Hold me down, I’m so tired now
Aim your arrow at the sky
Take me down, I’m too tired now
Leave me where I lie

[Bridge]
I thought I was flying but maybe I’m dying tonight
I thought I was flying but maybe I’m dying tonight
And I thought I was flying but maybe I’m dying tonight
And I thought I was flying but maybe I’m dying tonight

[Chorus]
Hold me down, I’m so tired now
Aim your arrow at the sky (Shoot, shoot, shoot)
Take me down, I’m too tired now
Leave me where I lie (Fire)

[Chorus]
Hold me down, I’m too tired now
Aim your arrow at the sky (Shoot, shoot, shoot)
And take me down, I’m too tired now
Leave me where I lie (Fire)

https://genius.com/Florence-the-machine-sky-full-of-song-lyrics

Dolly Parton -D.I.V.O.R.C.E

Something officially happened this week. I got divorced. In a way it’s no big deal, just a formality. We have been separated for three years. Three years since I realised I would die if I stayed with him, so I walked out, got a job, bought my own house, never looked back.

So in a way it should be a celebration. Finally closing the door on that miserable part of my life. But it’s not something I want to celebrate. It still makes me sad. Because a marriage is a thing of hope, of trust, of promises for the future. It was the foundation on which to build our children’s childhood. And we failed. I can’t say I regret it (that’s perhaps the only bit where this song and I are not aligned). I had to leave because he was destroying me. But it’s not something I ever thought would happen or that I would want. Nobody in my family got divorced and nobody in my circle of friends either. Divorce happens to other people.

Until it happens to you.

And I do feel like I will need to apologise to my kids for it for the rest of my life, something this song understands. The innocence of your children, the perfect life you want for them, and then the chaos and disappointment of the adult world comes crashing in and you brought it in yourself.

Listening to this song, to its tender regret and disappointment delivered by that magnificent voice, had me absolutely bawling and the tears streaming down my cheek.

Dolly Parton, what a legend.

Our little boy is four years old and quite a little man
So we spell out the words we don’t want him to understand
Like T-O-Y or maybe S-U-R-P-R-I-S-E
But the words we’re hiding from him now
Tear the heart right out of me.

Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E becomes final today
Me and little J-O-E will be goin’ away
I love you both and it will be pure H-E double L for me
Oh, I wish that we could stop this D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Watch him smile, he thinks it Christmas
Or his 5th Birthday
And he thinks C-U-S-T-O-D-Y spells fun or play
I spell out all the hurtin’ words
And I turn my head when I speak
‘Cause I can’t spell away this hurt
That’s drippin’ down my cheek.

Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E becomes final today
Me and little J-O-E will be goin’ away
I love you both and it will be pure H-E double L for me
Oh, I wish that we could stop this D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/dollyparton/divorce.html

I can see clearly now, the rain has gone

I came on here to delete my last post, because it was so personal and so raw, and not the kind of thing we’re supposed to talk about.

But I am going to let it stand.

That’s because it is actually a very good depiction of what it’s like to be inside an RSD spiral. It did, in fact, get even worse after writing. I decided that probably he realised in real life I am a bit fat, so I stopped eating for almost two days. Or maybe he thought my breath was bad so I became obsessed with mouthwash. My rational brain knew damn well neither was true.

As I may have mentioned before, my brain runs on parallel tracks. I can know something is ill advised, irrational, and bad, but on another simultaneous track my world has fallen apart and I am beating myself up about something that was actually not my fault at all.

The next day I looked back at all the whatsapp messages (and then deleted them, and him) and realised that I had not bombarded him at all. My behaviour was perfectly reasonable and in keeping for the beginning of a relationship. And, in fact, I had been on top form. Casual, chatty, witty, quirky. I sent him some super texts, that he just replied “haha” and a laugh emoji to. He went to see a film I want to see so I asked him how it went. He said “Yeah, OK”.

I realised that actually I had been great, and he had fallen short. It still was the best connection I have ever had with anyone on a date. I do respect that maybe whatsapp isn’t his preferred communication choice (but I offered to phone…), but really there is only so much I can do, and he had plenty of the best of me, more than he deserved.

The stuff about being lonely and having no friends was an exaggeration but contains some truth in it. I am currently working on ways to remedy this. But I am fine, I really am.

Anyway, the thing with RSD is that when it strikes it is brutal, and I plummet into the depths, but it is usually short lived. I wonder if it is a kind of emotional version of ‘man flu’. (By the way, I definitely get man flu). It is a way of dealing with it by complete immersion, and then full recovery. It may actually be quite efficient.

But at the time I find it so hard. I cannot bear being anything other that healthy. Illness, heartbreak and hangovers are all things I simply cannot afford to have. I have too many things to do, too many people rely on me, and feeling under par brings me disproportionately low.

The whole grey phase of this particular RSD lasted about 48 hours, which is the usual, and then I woke up one morning to a blue sky and was totally fine, like waking up from an illness. The interesting thing about it though, is that even in the greyest depths there is another parallel track in my mind. This is the track on which I appreciate the garden, and the birdsong, and the bright pink salvias still flowering in the garden, and my boys’ beautiful thick brown hair, and my son being the narrator in the school Nativity play, and Wolf Alice’s ‘My Love is Cool’ album (my favourite at the mo) and and and… so many good reasons to be alive. Holding on to that parallel track, even if it’s by my fingertips, is the key to survival. It’s the life raft to cling to during the RSD storm, until I wash up on the shore.

Some self reflection lessons on why my life is a self made shitshow

So, where to start. How to say it. Be warned. This is going to be a miserable journey into self hatred and despair.

I am getting better at life these days, or at least I think I am, in that I can step back from things a little and see my own reactions, and realise they are part of the ADHD. This is vital for me because I have now entered what I refer to as ‘a grey phase’. And I need to dig myself out of it. I am hoping my new found self awareness will help. So here is the story of what’s been happening and here is my attempt to make sense of it all.

I promised myself I would stop looking for a partner because all it does is bring me pain. My rational mind tells me I am not cut out for relationships, that I should be on my own, and be like those people who choose it and are content with it. Like my fellow ADHDer Emma Watson, I should be ‘self partnered’.

But my heart cries out for that person, that person who is a shoulder to cry on, that person who appreciates me for who I am, my soulmate, a person to go out to discover and experience things with, but a person also to come home to and snuggle with. But I suspect I can’t ever have that. In the words of Lizzie Bennet to Jane “until I have your goodness I cannot have your happiness”. I am too complicated and emotional and talkative and intense and I suspect that I am not only unlovable but probably unlikeable too.

I stopped online dating because it’s for the best. Then one evening, drinking wine on my own and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to start it again. And at first it was quite encouraging. I got ‘chatting’ to a couple of guys. Both seemed lovely. Interesting, intelligent, chatty, and made it clear on their profiles that they were looking for something serious rather than just a fling. One guy I was going to meet with but then he said a few things about his political views that really jarred. I tried to let it go, told myself it didn’t matter in light of all the good things about him. But it festered, and we disagreed more, and it became clear this was not going to work. So we broke it off before we reached the date stage. It was disappointing but I am fine about it as it was genuinely for the best.

Then there was the other guy. His profile was amazing. Literate, intelligent, witty. Politically and philosophically he is one of the closest matches to myself I have ever encountered. He likes reading, and he loves rock music. We met up, and had three amazing hours in a pub in Bristol talking about music and films and life, having a laugh, and the time passed so quickly. At the end of the date he kissed me and said how amazing the date was. We WhatsApped over the next week, but he said he was busy, couldn’t arrange time for another date. He didn’t WhatsApp me nearly as much as I WhatsApped him. Then we were due to meet today after work. He seemed keen, we had lots of banter, talked about where we might go, all seemed normal. Then he said he didn’t feel too well, and could we reschedule, so I just said to him that’s a shame but I totally understand if he’s ill. But the doubts festered. And then it came, right in the middle of an epically shit day at work. He sent me a message saying it was ‘too intense’ and we are looking for different things and it won;t work out.

I was devastated, which is ridiculous, as we only went on one date, and he wasn’t even that nice looking! But my God I cried. And I am crying again now writing it. And I am angry with myself for being so upset. I can look back now and see that he was nothing special. But also I can see that he represented a lot of hope for me. That I crave people with those similar views and tastes to me. I was trying to make him the answer to all that. I was too needy. And I smothered him. So that is one of my self reflections for today. BUT also this, I wasn’t WhatsApping him to an unreasonable degree (a couple of days I definitely WhatsApped my dad more) and the level of engagement I was requiring was not an unreasonable ask. He did pretty much acknowledge this, and that he was the let down. So I guess there are two narratives here to explain it, and both are true. I know I have to move on from it and I will but, wow, the heartache, it is a physical pain.

This has brought me to a new realisation and it is huge. It’s this: I AM LONELY.

I am lonely, and I have no close friends. When I have a day like to day, and I go through thoughts and emotions like I just did, I have nobody to confide in. I am on my own. And I now suspect this is why I started the blog.

I am lonely, and so I seek a life partner to fix this problem, but that makes me too needy and clingy. Or maybe it does, but maybe not. There are plenty of people who have that ‘best friend’ partner and it seems to work. All the answers in one person. Magic.

Now, I like people, I am not shy around people, I can make connections and build rapport easily. I have a lot of what I would call ‘surface friends’, people just above the level of ‘acquaintance’. Mums who bring their kids round on a playdate and we have a cup of tea and a chat. They are all really nice people, but I wouldn’t want them to get a glimpse of what I am really like so I keep them at a distance. My birthday is coming up and I thought fleetingly that I would invite some of them out for drinks, but then I decided not to because they probably would be too busy to come, or I might say a wrong thing or talk too much.

I have got some really lovely, proper friends. People I have a deep connection with and who I feel do appreciate me for who I am. One of them is my lovely friend in Birmingham. But she doesn’t live near me so I can’t just pop round to her house for a cuppa. Also, she is super confident and gives my relationship woes short shrift because I think she sees me selling myself short all the time and finds it frustrating. And she now has many many friends local to her who are those kind of friends for her. And that’s fine, and normal, but I wonder how she managed it. I have another lovely friend and he lives up in Sheffield. I really should call him but I haven’t been in touch for so long.

And this brings me to the other moment of self realisation. That I am crap at keeping friendships going. Partly it’s an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ thing. If I don’t constantly see someone or keep in touch with them (WhatsApp, phone calls etc.) then they pretty much cease to exist. I had never noticed this before until I read someone on an ADHD forum write about it and I was like “oh my God, yes!” Someone has to have been in my life for a very long time for them to transcend that point and be still in constant existence for me. My parents are probably the only people that fit this bill.

A lot of the great friendships I am thinking about go back to my uni days but there have been one or two colleagues since. I can have these super friendships with these wonderful people, where we sit and chat for hours, where we share our thoughts and fears, or just muck around and have a laugh, and we are important to each other. Then one of us (usually me) moves to a different town, and we stay in touch a bit, but not much, so then I forget about them pretty much, because they are not right in front of me. Then I get to moments like now where I realise what I had, and what I’ve lost, and I grieve a little, and then I wonder where on earth I am going to find such friendships again now that I have no spare time. Also, most jobs I’ve had have brought up some really wonderful friendships with truly lovely people, but then I have left the job, and lost the friendship.

Moving house a lot + changing job a lot + forgetting about people when they are not nearby = no lasting friendships.

Having fantastic chat and banter with colleagues but then never having the courage or time to pursue a friendship beyond work =many opportunities missed.

Fear of rejection + fear of judgement about my parenting + not much spare time = opportunities for local friendships missed.

Yeah, my life is a shitshow and it’s all of my own making.

Edit to add: I finally caved in and spoke to an actual human about all the above. My lovely mum. She was very sympathetic, as she is my lovely mum, and acknowledged she has experienced some of the same due to moving around over the years but then she had to admit that it didn’t matter a great deal because she has a best friend with her. My dad. And that brings me full circle to the thing that broke my heart today.

AND THE EXTRA KICK IN THE TEETH: There’s the hatred I feel for myself being so self indulgent about it all. I have two wonderful kids who are growing up right in front of me, and I feel I should drink it in, and I should cherish them, and I should appreciate them more than I do. And I feel hatred that I am so winy and self indulgent when the world is full of suffering and greed, we’re in an era of climate chaos of our own making, and there is so much that should be fought, so much that is more important than my woes. I know this, and I fully acknowledge it, but it doesn’t make the pain go away. And the sense that I shouldn’t be feeling this way makes it worse.

I have also since read this wonderful update from Niraj, who is much younger than me but experiencing some of the same friendship drift.

Jeff Rosenstock and Laura Stevenson – Ambulance Blues

A friend recently drew this to my attention and I’m glad he did as it’s awesome. This is a really beautiful cover, but it has prompted me to revisit Neil Young, which is always a trip worth making.

Provided to YouTube by Polyvinyl Records Ambulance Blues · Jeff Rosenstock · Laura Stevenson Still Young ℗ 2019 Polyvinyl Record Co. Composer: Neil Young

Lyrics

Back in the old folky days
The air was magic when we played
The riverboat was rocking in the rain
Midnight was the time for the raid

Oh, Isabela, proud Isabela
They tore you down and plowed you under
You’re only real with your make-up on
How could I see you and stay too long?

[Verse 2]
All along the Navajo Trail
Burn-outs stub their toes
On garbage pails
Waitresses are crying in the rain
Will their boyfriends pass this way again?

Oh, Mother Goose, she’s on the skids
Shoe ain’t happy, neither are the kids

She needs someone that she can scream at
And I’m such a heel for making her feel so bad

[Verse 3]
I guess I’ll call it sickness gone
It’s hard to say the meaning of this song
An ambulance can only go so fast
It’s easy to get buried in the past
When you try to make a good thing last

I saw today in the entertainment section
There’s room at the top for private detection
To Mom and Dad this just doesn’t matter
But it’s either that or pay off the kidnapper

[Verse 4]
So all you critics sit alone
You’re no better than me for what you’ve shown
With your stomach pump and your hook and ladder dreams
We could get together for some scenes

Well, I’m up in T.O. keeping jive alive
And out on the corner it’s half past five
But the subways are empty
And so are the cafes
Except for the Farmer’s Market
And I still can hear him say:

[Verse 5]
You’re all just pissing in the wind
You don’t know it but you are
And there ain’t nothing like a friend
Who can tell you you’re just pissing in the wind

I never knew a man could tell so many lies
He had a different story for every set of eyes
How can he remember who he’s talking to?
Because I know it ain’t me and I hope it isn’t you

A Room Called Earth – Madeleine Ryan

A Room Called Earth by Madeleine Ryan

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


I found this book both disappointing and frustrating. I wanted so much to like it as it had been recommended to me. I enjoy internal monologues, and I am actively seeking more neurodivergent perspectives, and I had a sense that I could have liked the character. However, the writing just didn’t do her justice or bring her to life. Though there were occasional moments of observation that stood out I found this book very flat, and so tedious it was actually difficult to read. The big houses, expensive parties, unpleasant people, and sheer materialism of the whole thing was also really offputting, and whilst I appreciate that she stands in contrast to that in some ways, she is also a part of it. The lengthy descriptions of this world (and lengthy descriptions of clothes -yawn) deadened anything else.



View all my reviews